The Official Celsius Flavor Tier List

Every flavor, ranked.

Welcome to HEAVIES, a modern and spiritual Substack about health and wellness. This post was requested by you, the readers. <3

Every morning on my way to the gym, I stop by the corner bodega to grab a Celsius out of their Official Celsius Fridge, which have mysteriously spawned throughout Brooklyn and Manhattan like little monoliths in the desert. Should an autopsy be performed on my corpse, forensics will be shocked to discover that my body is 68% guarana seed extract.

The energy drinks themselves? Mostly tolerable. A few are better than others. Presenting…

The Official* Celsius Tier List

S Tier 

• Orange 

• Watermelon 

• Lemon Lime

Little did I expect humble Orange to be far and away the most drinkable flavor of Celsius. You know that scene in Ratatouille where the critic takes a bite of the titular dish and is whooshed back to his childhood? The Orange Celsius kind of did for me, except the thing in my memory hole was a Capri-Sun, and instead of the rolling green countryside of Provence it was a hot blacktop that smelled like dog piss in Long Beach, California. Watermelon is also nice, as is the Lemon Lime. Very crisp.

A Tier 

• Blue Razz Lemonade

• Watermelon Lemonade 

• Strawberry Lemonade

If the S Tiers aren’t available, the Lemonades—l, l, lem-o-nades—are passable. I don’t understand why they decided to go with the vapeified name “Blue Razz” versus “Blue Raspberry,” however. Is blue raspberry too many letters to fit legibly on the can? Could it simply be (soft ally voice) fragile masculinity? Did all the S keys get stuck while the design team was cooking up the presentation Keynote? Someone at Celsius hit me on Signal. The people need to know.

B Tier 

• Green Tea Raspberry Acai 

• Raspberry Peach

• Strawberry Guava 

For some reason “Green Tea” is Celsius shorthand for non-carbonated. Most of those taste like licking a battery except for Raspberry Acai, which is at least in the neighborhood of actual juice. All to say Celsius should give whoever their in-house berry-sommelier is a raise, because they’ve managed to artfully Frankenstein together something that has convincing notes of raspberry.

Good Vibes Tier

• Fantasy Vibe 

The official Celsius websites describes Fantasy Vibe as “bursting with the crisp sweetness of a mandarin and indulgence of a velvety marshmallow,” which on paper sounds disgusting but in reality tastes like an orange creamsicle. Yum yum.

OK Vibes Tier

• Cosmic Vibe

• Arctic Vibe

• Astro Vibe

I could not tell you anything about these flavors. But the labels look like they were designed by a 15-year-old future art major who just discovered hentai.

Bad Vibes Tier

• Galaxy Vibe

• Oasis Vibe 

• Tropical Vibe 

• Peach Vibe

These are all drinkable in the same way that seawater is technically drinkable. If you put any of these in a spray bottle and misted a mirror you’d be able to get all the smudges off.

Completely Forgettable Tier

• Wild Berry

• Kiwi Strawberry

If these disappeared off the Celsius map, would anyone notice? Would anybody care? Rare Ls for the in-house berry sommelier unfortunately.  

D Tier

• Grape Rush

• Green Apple Cherry

• Green Tea Peach Mango

• Kiwi Guava

• Fuji Apple Pear

• Mango Passionfruit

Maybe some people like these but I find them impossible to drink, especially Mango Passionfruit (HEAVIES homie Leilani Shizue agrees), which tastes both sugary and artificial. Suggestions of mango on the front end with three rows of the periodic table on the backend. Celsius would be wise to DM the mango-flavor expert who works for Sanzo on LinkedIn.

Ass Tier 

• Cola 

Astonishingly bad. This tastes like a soda you left in your car’s cup holder on a hot day. I’m… not sure who this is for. Who wants to slam a flat Coke before the gym? The bubbles are too small, incongruent with our fragile understanding of the concept of “cola.” I’d rather shotgun a blue Faygo than drink this abomination. An affront to mankind’s creative spark and therefore God. Yuck.

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…and please do let me know how correct I am in the comments :)